Herry Christmas, AI, from some of the reddest redbreasts I’ve ever seen.
Never Three on a Card
Every Christmas, I get a warm glow From a handful of cards with the robins’ hello – They’re sometimes alone, and they’re sometimes a pair, But a third one is nowhere – cos as we all know A flock of the robins is strictly no-go. But what is this latest the postladies bear ? One robin, two robins, three robins…? Whoa…! But how can the senders so brazenly dare ?, Depicting the moment before the first blow – As the beak and the claw will leave no love to spare, As they battle to mate and to overthrow. But no ! They swear they’ve taken care To only show what’s really there. In Winter, it seems, the robins bestow A happier temper, content to share – For outside of breeding, they treat all fair, And frolic together in goodwill and snow.
Thank goodness AI has far more imagination and originality than HAL…
A Space Ploddyssey
As Kubrick prophesised When the ape-men went exploring – Space is vast, and time is slow, And the future will be boring. Red suited, black oblonged, Very very small – Man is dumb when met by wonder, Stanley most of all.
The first three minutes of the movie are a black screen. I’ve heard this described as the ‘overture’, a not-unknown feature of big blockbusters in the Sixties. Thinking about it, this moment does indeed pull together all of the tedium scattered through the film into one masterpiece of Cageian vacuum…
More seriously, there is the interview between the BBC and Frank and I’m-Sorry-Dave. It takes seven minutes for each transmission to travel one way, so the crew give their answer, and have to wait fourteen minutes until they get their reply (plus the time to record the reply, unless it’s being streamed live). Shouldn’t we next see them looking as if they had actually got up and done stuff in those fourteen minutes, rather than look as if we rejoin them five seconds later ? The fact that the film prioritises the suggestion that they are so dull they would happily remain sat in silence than have any moments of – human interaction, work, getting a drink, their hair getting a bit mussed-up, even unintentionally swapping places – says everything about why this film and I can never be friends.
The dragons flew to the village When the glaciers receeded. Before the humans came to found the village In the hills They all moved up the valley As the valley slowly heated – A conflict scratched by ancient claws And knapped by stone-age skills.
The dragons lived on cliff-tops, Where they found the up-draughts bracing, And yet up here upon the fells, the scarp Was ev’ry bit as steep The humans sought the uplands For protection and for grazing, With their wooded winding valleys And their moorlands full of sheep.
But the dragons had a taste for mutton, Raiding flocks and rustling folds – While the humans found the lizards rich, And slow when on their shanks. So they hunted ev’ry dragon That came sniffing round their barren holds, And they feasted on their breastmeat And they tanned their wings and flanks.
But down in the valley woodlands, Where the dragons couldn’t grace, So the tribes would coppice trees for fuel, As soon as the saplings bend. But the deer were a constant nuisance As they trampled through the place, And they nibbled the shoots at liberty, Refusing to be penned.
But Evolution played her hand, Ten thousand years or more, As she favoured drakes who favoured deer, Whose does were scarce in dearth. And the humans were quite happy If they thinned the herds a score, And all stayed-away from pastures And gave folks a wider berth.
So into the flightless forests they came, Where the trees would crowd the sky, And they stalked the stags upon all-fours, Or scampered up a tree. And their back legs grew more sturdy With a pouncing, kicking thigh, And their wings were less-times called-upon Beneath the canopy.
Yes, they still would glide above the valley, Though they rarely soared, As they rode upon the thermals And they roosted on the scarp. Their flaplings, once they’d left the nest Would gather in a horde, And would chase the rodents round the barns To keep their talons sharp.
The farmers even reckoned They had not the strength to leave, Now their flying was more like that of a hen Than of a lark. Good enough to get them airborne, Good enough to catch the breeze, But no good for migrating Once the days were getting dark.
Neither side were loners, In their small communities, As they looked-after their own, And yet would not harass the strays. And they’d sometimes come-together In those opportunities For the curious on both sides To regard their neighbours’ ways.
So by the Middle Ages, They had reached a careful dance, Where the humans let them hunt for rats and deer, By nature’s law. And yes, the windows in the church Showed George’s famous stance, Yet those self-same beasts proved lucrative When pilgrims watched in awe.
Chilly, but still not frosty, Gloomy, but still not snug – The first door may be open, But we’ve yet to feel the tug. Oh sure, the shops accost us, But the season’s still a trudge, And the choc’late that we’re hoping for Is still a plain old fudge.
The first door that we entered Is still twenty-three away – There’s three weeks and-a-bit to go Before the final day. Yet her image is surrendered, And her countdown has begun – Though there’s precious little chance of snow, Just a gen’ral lack of sun.
Yet the double doors are looming As we open each one new – And ev’ry day, another string of lights Slips into view. The month is slowly blooming As the windows open wide – And once they’ve all revealed their sights, There’s nowhere left to hide.
Some people hear a voice in their head That they don’t think it’s them, But that’s okay. They’re not schizophrenic, They just don’t think that it’s them, This lodging-voice of grey. And some people hear a number of voices, But know they’re them, So they let them stay. And some people hear no voice at all, They’re only them, A one-voice play. Some have a voice-of-God narrator, Or invisible ‘them’ Who must have their say – Or something less reliable, But they still hear them On a quiet day… Just diff’rent flavours of subconscious- It works for them, In their own calm way And they’re each quite normal, each quite sane, Are you one of them, With a chatty stray ?
No matter how new the blade, And no matter how thick the foam – No matter how many passes made, My stubble sits right at home. The razor burn is fiery, As striation still sing out – Yet my chin is grey and wiry, With the crevices in-sprout. My whiskers are a warning That I’m not so young and steady – It’s first thing in the morning, Yet it’s five o’clock already.
Hiccups come with a thump thump thump, To wrench out guts and punch our lungs – A painful start, but soon each jump Has settled down to ting our tongues. But we never notice when they go, They slip away to no concern Once we ignore their gulps below – To build their strength for their return…
Two blue-eyed parents ? Then how can a brown-eyed child be ? If brown is dominant, Her true-colours are right there to see. Ah, poor Hercule, Inheritance is trickier than that – It’s not down to a single gene To slot into a simple clever fact.
A type-O body ? Then how can there then be a type-A son ? This child is not his blood, Once the cutting-edge analysis is done. Ah, poor Lord Peter, Kinship is less iron-clad these days – It’s not down to a single letter, Pumping through the logic of your plays.
It’s not really fair, That your ingenuity is overtaken – You made us feel so clever When we thought we’d learned what science you’d awaken. Ah, poor hindsight, Your layman’s clues are too much on the nose. It’s not down to a single twist To show whose blood is blue and eyes are ohs.
We are a prestigious journal of literature, Just three times a year – We favour the terribly serious, dense and obscure, We hope that’s clear.
We’ve got a readership high in the double-digits, We’re highbrow, yet cosy – We look-down on rhyming as only for populist midgets, But love verse that’s prosy.
So if you send us one, just one, of your poems, Make sure it’s unseen – For if you dared to succumb to a previous showing, It’s no longer clean.
It might be only your blog, and viewed by only a few, But that is enough ! What were you thinking, to waste your words, adieu, Like any old stuff ?
You should have kept it locked in a drawer, Until our benevolent sun Is shone down upon it, as no eyes before, Its virgin lines undone.
If you’ve said it before, we won’t help you say it again – You’re spent goods, my dear. For we are the ultra-exclusive, and so shall remain, Just three times a year.